Well that’s not really true. In all fairness this is a fitness blog (primarily). And most of my opinions no matter how relevant or pertinent to the matters of the day can all to easily be refuted by the simple words “yeah right, fatty. eat a another cinnabun and shut your mouth. Taut people talking”

I don’t really understand why the need for such harsh words. I mean I clean up nice and I am struggling with my weight every day. My mother says I am the most handsomest boy ever, and farbeit from me to disbelieve my mother. And I am certain you would not be doing the same, less you wish to face my fiery corpulent wrath.

Wait, where was I? Ah, yes. The sheer awesomatude (yes that is a word) that is this specific blog, by this specific blogger.

This tale of conquest valor is undoubtably true. Sure a few details may have skewed at the benefit of the reader. IE, Exfoliating is more than a “bit” girly. But less girl than say, straightening ones hair with your own straightening iron.

But to witness these events first hand (as I have) is akin to the first time you watch an episode of Seinfeld. Unfettered, unapologetic, assaults on all senses. I can only relenting admit I have yet to see John lock swords with an arachnid naked (yet). I have watched him. I was there. It was like observing Michaelangelo at the Sistine Chapel. Two amazing gindaloons working their craft for all of mankind.

In one case the offending arachnid had actually tried to assault an orphanage, full of real orphans no less. This one spider was no less than a goliath, one whose evil could black out the sun. But there he was: the rock… the hard place. With no more than his fists (which fitting the legends that spread through the villages ARE made of steel and justice) and his guile he vanquished the demon. Yet all the frightened could recount from the fracas was hearing but two thunderous words: “Johnnnnnnnnn SMASH!!”

The headmaster of the orphanage rushed to me, and demanded to know, “be he an angel?” I have been asked this many times, at many different orphanages about my dear friend. And have become accustomed to but providing only one answer, “Nay. He is but a man, bra.”

These daring ne’er do’wells did not stop on that day, on those foothills. Their desperation got the best of them, and the sent a lone assassin for John’s heart and his hide. The only thing louder than the silence in a room populated by John Roman and a ninja spider is the vicious hate each one has for the other. The intruder underestimated to level of resource in our cunning hero. Most of us do not believe in magic, but there are forces at work here beyond your understanding.

The ninja spider, previously poised had broke right, signifying that he was to make his move. But there stood John, resolute, with his arms crossed. It was then he spoke the incantation that was burned into the soul of that spider and all of his ancestors.

“Mom, come kill this fucking spider for me.”

Like a damned bat out of hell, Mama Roman swooped in and ended that eight legged bastard with such extreme prejudice would would have thought he stole a bag of olives from her kitchen. THAT’s fucking teamwork.

Still with spider bits dripping from her limbs she spoke, “watch your mouth.” As swiftly as she had been summoned, she had left. Shock and awe, that is all that I knew.

John Roman; The Protector of Orphans. The Hunted. The Holy Avenger.

Little known fact, the band Alice in Chains actually wrote the song “The Rooster” about John.

With beaming pride I scribe these words about my dearest friend. And mostly I am trying to glom on to the mood set so that English broad will be all in on me as well. I hope it’s working. God save the Queen?

Oh also, for those of you who were questioning the whole Peter Parker bit, he was bitten be a radioactive spider, infused with regular run of the mill radiation. NOT gamma. Ultimate brand Spidey was bitten by a spider that had gotten into some of the super soldier serum created by Professor Erskine for Steve Rogers.

Letters.

Rob

Originally Posted By Ylwa
@John

I’m sorry, I forgot that the third woman (we women are all as you probably know slight schizofrenic) in me – the nurturing mother (she who always wants you to open up, talk about your feelings and not be so afraid to show you fears) absolutely adore these kind of confessions. This blog post is like crack to that side of us. Especially considering the fact that it also proves that you’re an excellent writer and therefore also obviously well-educated, intelligent and in touch with your feelings. Heck, if I weren’t living across the pond and already engaged I’d propose to you. Honestly. Have I restored your manhood now? Sandals and all (I don’t want to hurt your feelings again but you would make an awful pest-controller).

Although, I’m still confused with the spiderman-thing. But maybe that’s a bit of topic in this blog.

Well…I guess I feel a little better.

Flattery will get you everywhere, afterall.

With regard to Spider-Man: It’s important to note that in some versions of the Spider-Man origin story (I’m thinking specifically about Ultimate Marvel here) Peter Parker actually didn’t like insects.

While not a full-on arachnophobe, he said he insects were an area of science he found less than pleasing to study. Resultantly, he was at the Science Expo to get a gander at the radiation, not the insects.

When he gets bitten by the radioactive spider, he looks down at the pinch he feels and reacts by shaking his hand wildly–in my view, to get the spider off.

In no recounting of the origin story does Pete seek out spiders, of course =)

And despite my fear, I’d gladly let one crawl on me and take a nibble if it meant that I got super strength, speed, agility, and could walk on walls and ceilings.

Originally Posted By whitney
you are an interesting man. a good writer, with clearly excellent taste in movies, games, comics and all things ‘geek’ and also impossibly fit. well done sir, i raise my hat to you.

Aww, shucks…if only this geekiness was as cool in high school as it is now. I would have been the belle of the ball, instead of just the wrestler secretly playing D&D after practice. Ah, sweet irony.

In all seriousness, I appreciate the praise =)

Originally Posted By Chris
Nice writing John.

Just a little bit far fetched though. How you expect anyone to believe that you have “bright green Diesel briefs”, I’ve no idea.:)

Hahahaha actually most of my underwear are brighly colored Diesel briefs.

Never let it be said that I don’t go the extra mile to draw attention to my junk.

Here’s a pic from a recent prep-period for a photo shoot–my green panties poke through a bit

http://tnation.tmuscle.com/forum_images/5/f/5fced-abs.jpg

When exfoliating try using your manly Axe “shower tool” before you actually step under the water. Dead skin tends to stick fast to the healthy when it becomes saturated and thus you carry it around for a bit longer. Try it, you will notice a difference.

It has been said before but warrants reiteration. You are a fantastic writer. I love when a story elicit a moving picture in the mind’s eye allowing you to see things happen as you read the written word. I was on the sideline of this battle cheering you on; even if I could not quite wrap my mind around the fact that you, someone who is big and seemingly brave, are scared of such an itty bitty thing.

Though I do not share your phobia I can empathize. My sister too is terrified of spiders and once almost pushed a passenger out of her moving car (thank god for seatbelts) because there was a tiny spider on her arm.

Congrats on the kill.

Michelle

Just a little bit far fetched though. How you expect anyone to believe that you have “bright green Diesel briefs”, I’ve no idea.:)

@John

Sure thing man, you really have a talent there. I can tell that you are pretty damn passionate about it too, and that’s a joy to see. So, all humility aside (of course) pat yourself on the shoulder and keep going with that – it would be awesome to see more!

Currently I’m re-reading my old Jordan stuff in anticipation of the new book, but I’ll def look into Drizzt by Salvatore. Thanks for the tip, I appreciate it. Always nice to engage in an enlightened conversation with someone who combines the sweet arts of fitness and fantasy.

You earned the praise big time champ.